I Am Responsible for the Man I Am
I read Gordon McLean’s “Yes All Men” with a mixture of agreement and frustration. I hear what he is saying about harassment, intimidation, and the ways people excuse behavior that should be challenged. I particularly appreciate his concern about the example he sets for his son. Children learn from what we do, how we treat people, and what we allow to pass without comment.
But I struggle with the way he takes those reasonable concerns and turns them into a judgment about men generally. This sentence, in particular, stopped me:
“The sheer audacity that most men possess in thinking the way they do needs to be constantly challenged.”
Most men? That is a considerable claim to make about people whose thoughts, circumstances, and conduct you do not know.
He describes particular misconduct, then moves into treating men broadly as people in need of correction. Somewhere in that transition, the distinction between a man who mistreats women and a man who lives his life treating people decently becomes much less important than the fact that both are men.
I am a 60-year-old man. I have lived long enough to make mistakes, reconsider things I once believed, and recognize that my experience does not explain everyone else’s life. I expect to be held accountable for how I behave. If I treat someone badly, challenge me about it. If I say something unfair, explain why it is unfair. That gives us something concrete to discuss.
What I object to is being told that I need to become better because another man has behaved badly. What, specifically, am I being accused of? What am I failing to do? Sharing his sex does not answer either question.
Another part of Gordon’s post bothered me just as much. He acknowledges that being a man is difficult, but immediately qualifies that acknowledgment by declaring how much easier men have it than everyone else.
Why does a man’s difficulty need that qualification before it can be taken seriously?
Gender can influence the problems someone encounters. It cannot tell you whose entire life is easier. A man may be trying to rebuild his life after a partner’s infidelity, struggling through a divorce that means seeing his children less often, caring for someone who is seriously ill, or losing a job while bills keep coming. Pointing out that he is male does not explain what he is going through, make it easier to bear, or give anyone a reason to take it less seriously.
I am not asking anyone to declare that men have it worse. I am asking why we need to establish a ranking before we can acknowledge that someone is having a hard time. A man should be able to discuss his difficulties without first conceding that they belong somewhere lower in a hierarchy of suffering.
That is part of what leaves me feeling marginalized in conversations like this. My responsibility is presented as collective, while my difficulties are treated as relative. I am expected to recognize what women experience, which is reasonable, but I would like that same willingness to understand extended in my direction.
The part about his son shows how much common ground there could be. Teaching a child to respect boundaries, accept rejection, share responsibilities, and consider other people is something I support. So is recognizing that your own behavior carries more weight than whatever lesson you announce at the dinner table.
Those lessons do not require treating his identity as a boy as something he will spend his life answering for. I would want a son to grow up with both a sense of responsibility and the confidence that he will be judged fairly for his own choices.
I also agree that there are circumstances where we should speak up. If a friend mistreats someone, friendship should not provide immunity from criticism. If someone is being threatened, helping within our abilities and the circumstances is a reasonable expectation. That responsibility comes from being present and able to help. It does not make me answerable for the conduct of men I have never met and cannot influence.
Gordon may intend his post as an appeal for shared responsibility. But the wording matters. Addressing men as though they collectively need correction risks alienating people who already agree with the basic principles he wants to defend. Objecting to that treatment does not mean they approve of harassment. It may simply mean they expect the same individual consideration they are being asked to give everyone else.
I am responsible for the man I am, including how I treat people and how I respond to what happens around me. I also expect my conduct to count when someone decides what kind of man I am. Respect for women and fairness toward men are compatible standards, and I see no reason to settle for an argument that does not consistently uphold both.