The Cost of Expecting Someone to Show Up
Back in June, I wrote a couple of posts about a woman I had met for what was supposed to be a platonic cuddle. It turned into considerably more than that. She seemed very much into me, the clothes came off, and I thought, well, this is a pleasant fucking surprise.
Then came the silence.
Occasionally, she would respond to a text, and when she did, she sounded interested. She apologized for being out of touch, said she had things going on, and told me she “adored me.” But whenever I asked about actually getting together again, crickets.
Now, I am fairly direct. If I want to see someone, I ask. If I don't understand something, I ask about it. I tend to assume communication is supposed to reduce ambiguity, so being told someone adores me while they ignore a simple question about seeing me leaves me wondering what the hell I am supposed to make of that.
By June 24, we had progressed to her suggesting we get together. “I would love to, though, tomorrow if you're free,” she said. I told her I was, that I'd be home after 3 p.m., and to holler at me.
I got home, worked on the apartment, did laundry, cleaned, and looked forward to having some company. Four o'clock passed. Then six. Finally, I asked if she was still planning to come by.
“If I can break free.”
That was the last I heard that evening. By almost nine, I figured I had my answer.
What pissed me off was spending the evening looking forward to something while having no idea whether it was actually going to happen. Plans change. People get busy. Sometimes people lose interest. I can deal with any of that if someone will just fucking say so. “I can't make it” would have been enough.
That was where things stood back in June: plenty of interest when she did respond, but very little follow-through. I was frustrated, tired of asking, and tired of trying to figure out where I stood.
Which brings us to tonight.
Yesterday, just before bed, I was feeling the need for female connection. It's been a while. By a while, I mean since this woman back in June. That woman hadn't responded to a single text in four months. After the first month with no replies, I just figured that was that. But I thought, fuck it, text her one last time. Maybe you'll actually get a reply.
I did.
I asked if I had done something wrong, and she said, “No, just been going through a lot of stuff. Had to get it ironed out.”
I said, “Sorry to hear that. Sending thoughts your way.”
She replied, “Thank you. Maybe sometime we can meet for coffee and I can tell you about it.”
So I replied, “Sure. I'd like that. Just let me know. I have most evenings free for a while.”
She replied, “OK, how about tomorrow evening? 6 p.m. at (local coffee shop).”
I replied, “Perfect. I will see you then. Good night!”
And then she replied, “Looking forward to it. Good night.”
OK, so, wow. Not really what I was expecting. What I was expecting was silence, like the past four months. This is cool. Maybe it'll turn into more than coffee and talk. I clean up the apartment and, before leaving, shower my stinky old ass.
Now, here is where I have to be honest. In the back of my mind, I am thinking, “I am doing all this for nothing. She isn't going to show, just like last time.” But I head out anyway.
I arrive a little early, like I tend to do. Grab a coffee, sit down, and jack around on my cell phone. 6 p.m. arrives. She's not there. OK... yeah, I think, it's happening again. 6:30 rolls around. Nothing. No show, no text.
By 6:35, I am done. I send a text (even though I did not want to) and ask if she is coming or not. No reply.
At 6:45, I am walking out the door when she replies, “Oh I am so sorry. I got held up here at work and then it totally slipped my mind. Please forgive me. My daughter just brought her baby home to our house two days ago so I have baby brain fog.”
Really?
I reply, “OK. I'm going home. You're welcome to come by if you feel like it.”
That was two hours ago, and there has been no message at all. No attempt to reschedule, no “Can I make it up to you?” Just silence.
So I got to thinking, what is the underlying theme here? What am I most frustrated by? I think what I truly feel is this: I've made myself available for connection, but finding someone who can offer even a little consistency seems unnecessarily difficult.
She is the personification of a recurring pattern throughout much of my life, and one of the main reasons I find the return on investment with women to be a bad investment.
I have said this before, and to be clear, I know this is not all women. But the majority of those I have come into contact with continue to reinforce my view.
So what do I do with this?
The old me would have spent the next week texting, chasing, trying to pin her down. The new me is going to do something simpler. I'm going to let her come to me. If she wants to see me, she knows where I live and she has my number. If she doesn't, I've lost nothing but one evening and a cup of coffee. And I've gained something better than a girlfriend: confirmation.
Because that's what this blog is really about. Not hating women. Not swearing off relationships forever. Just recognizing the pattern, naming it, and adjusting your expectations so the pattern stops being able to hurt you.
If she shows up, great. If she doesn't, I already knew. Either way, I sleep fine tonight.
The ROI is bad. But at least now I know the price.